Seizure

OK this was unexpected; I was working in the lab and the last thing before I found myself in the emergency room was that  I was preparing to run my PCR in an agarose gel. from there on all becomes blurry, many people seem hectic and two or so nurses tell me: "You had a seizure" "Did you take your medication?" and so forth, i do not remember all the questions. Despite of being blurred out in my head I remember my frustration, before this episode as I almost had started to feel like a "normal person" again. " Thought I'm finally over this" but no, Thomas you don't get out this easy. Today I am back to my usual self, but stil feel; like I hit a wall (well, I DID hit the floor after all, and that possibly hard!! -hard enough to bleed-)

My problem is: I do not know what it means, OK, I forgot my morning pill, but I did that before without effect, the half-life of Keppra in the blood should be long enough, to be able to drop one dose (but likely not two). Thing is, to my knowledge I only skipped one single dose (but then this already expresses that I am not 100%sure). So is this the first sign of the relapse? This is exactly how I would expect a "final chapter" to begin, seizures with increasing frequency, until they become virtually uncontrollable. Then I will be gone, some would call it a "merciful death" Nothing to witness, as the witness himself is taken out before the event happens. MRI soon then I will know for sure. Scary? YES!!! well its life and death again.

My tongue hurts (I bit myself bloody) and my back is like the back of an 85 year old, every movement is pain, and I feel stiff.

yesterday I slept half of the day, which felt good. forget about everything. This is when one feels alone (despite of loving girlfriend) THAT road nobody can walk with me! And nobody should, because there  is no way back. And its not a scenic road.  

OK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ENOUGH of morbid thinking, I can continue when the MRI comes back enhancement-positive. (which it will not!!!!!!!! GODDAMMIT!!!!) Yes, what will I do when it does? I have no idea yet. honest, rather sobering answer after all this writing making believe I'm a survivor. And heck, I AM!!!!!!!! Its not meant for me yet, I still have things to do! MY life is not complete yet, I have debt to pay. to my mice and a good lot of people who helped me along the way.

Isn't it almost funny, how I flee to these metaphysical viewpoins when things start looking dire again? 

As Nietzsche said: "Menschliches, allzumenschliches." But, hey, whats wrong with that??