Friday, October 12, 2007

Love Conquers all.....?

She loves me. We are together since a bit more than one month now. Of course I was wondering, if I can do that, get involved with someone, me having a potentially fatal disease (well at least its not infectious), if my tumor starts progressing again, it will be almost as devastating for her as for me. Question is/was: can I do that to somebody? Answer turned out to be: Yes, but I made sure that she understands my odds and what she potentially does to herself. So I hope very much that a.) I will survive!!!!! (at least so sings Donna Summer! And HEY, who am I to question Donna Summer???? She knows! Come on!!!! Life is a wonderful thing, how can it end so prematurely???
and b.) if things turn out bad, at least we both will have had a happy time. Therefore I try to be as happy as I can and to be TOTALLY honest and ABSOLUTELY committed to the relationship, this means: open and not hide anything, which gives the relationship quite a new twist, it has a-strangely to say- incredible spirit of INNOCENCE! Does this come from the intensity how I try to make every kiss in a way that I want to make time stand still? Being loved is the greatest gift of all! The most woderful, incredible thing a human being can give to another. the gift of SELF! and what more do we have than ourselves?

Has anyone seen "Brazil"? the wonderful movie by Terry Gilliam? It has a "Love Conquers All"- alternative version for the US-Market (this is the place where people demand happy endings!): Well I live in the US now (with my cancer), AND I DEMAND A HAPPY ENDING!!!!! Goddammit! ;-)
And I love her! VERY MUCH! what started as a "rational decision" got out of hand and became a very sweet, tender and intimate relationship. I am happy, no matter what my statistics look like. And what else can I do? Make every day count. Live.

"Wenn ich mit Menschen- und mit Engelzungen redete und hätte die Liebe nicht, so wäre ich ein tönendes Erz oder eine klingende Schelle. Und wenn ich prophetisch reden könnte und wüßte alle Geheimnisse und alle Erkenntnis und hätte allen Glauben, so daß ich Berge versetzen könnte, und hätte die Liebe nicht, so wäre ich nichts. Und wenn ich alle meine Habe den Armen gäbe und ließe meinen Leib verbrennen, und hätte die Liebe nicht, so wäre mir's nichts nütze"

Hey! Look at me!!! I am quoting the bible!!! Do I get religious??? Amazing. But its a beautiful piece of text. Without Love one is nothing. I know this refers to religious love. but I think it is not so far away.

(sorry, no time to look up the translation), well, now its out: I am German. Guess I could almost post my real name here.

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