A life most ordinary

Again, after a long time another "sign of life"! I have to remind myself that I am also writing to tell the world I am still here! 8.5 years post surgery and counting! Todays entry is about litle defects  and the urge to scrutinize every little issue that could hint to something bad re-appearing. No, I have not done an MRI lately. I wrote about the difficulty in this decision before. The last one I did was before I talked my girlfriend into moving here: I wanted to make sure that the status quo is still what it was. And, stupid as it may sound, that it is "worth it" to move in with me. Since then I have seen the Neurologist, but did not specifically ask for the MRI.  Essentially I believe, that if something would really move there in my head, I would know from increasing difficulties. But I am still doing science, just submitting a paper to a well-known journal (which will, inevitably, be rejected, at first at least) (If somebody who follows this blog is working in science too, you know all-too-well what I am talking about!) At least this tells me, I am still able to think straight. However the frequency of typos reminds me of my ( mostly subtle, however sometimes not-so-subtle) defects, I have: Searching for things right in front of me on a crowded shelf, leaving stuff on the table in the restaurant, Also I believe my temper has worsened, compared to what I used to be BEFORE (the "turning point" in my life, my "loss of innocence/immortality". In my old lab I was known to be a "such a mellow guy". Now I can get VERY angry at times. OK, everybody has fights in a relationship. But sometimes the anger on meaningless issues really surprises me. I still would like to find a good meditation group. We had one at Salk back then, which I found extremely helpful in so many ways (anger, fear, concentration, self-awareness). If anything, meditation is the one thing I would highly recommend to any tumor survivor and beyond that, to anyone recovering from brain injury. OK now sorry, short  entry. Have to leave. off to watch a movie now. As I say "a life most ordinary". And isn't that the best thing to have? Once you believed to have lost it for good! I know its not necessary over. But, hell, last thing dies the hope.

Take care,

Thomas :-)

Sleepless in Hamburg

Just a short entry out of sleeplessness. Went to bed and could not sleep. For the last six weeks my girlfriend has been here with me, now she is back in San Diego. A good reason for a sleepless night? Actually, thinking of work. How boring, you could say, but not if you think about that I am working in science. The bad (and also good) thing about this line of work: it eats you alive, you can think about the story you are working on 24/7. It never stops being interesting. And there is always the hope it might lead to something really useful. Something like: Find the key factor in cancer, the "magic vulnerability". Off note, all current science points to the fact this might not exist. Every cancer we look at is different, and will probably need its unique treatment.
Every time science comes up with something novel, exciting and hopeful, in clinical trials it does not work that well. Last keywords: angiogenesis inhibitors, Tyrosine kinase inhibitors (some of which actually do work very well, but they do not cure, just keep growth of cells  in check-> Gleevec, the blockbuster drug for CML, chronic myeloid leukemia).
My current new favorite toy/focus of interest: "Histone Chaperones" These are factors which regulate chromatin, which is the form how our DNA is packaged, and plays a critical role in how genes are turned on and off. And those Histone chaperones regulate the incorporation of histone variants into regions  of  chromatin, thereby regulating whole genomic regions, rather than individual genes. Unfortunately, I do not see, how these factors will be "Druggable". But now I do feel tired. Goodnight. Sorry, not a very revealing entry.

7th Birthday

Midnight. I have officially entered the 8th year post surgery. Last MRI was in August 2011 (see last entry)
No cake, unfortunately nobody here with me to celebrate, my girlfriend Hui still living in San Diego. Me being here in Hamburg. No complaints however, I chose my way and I realize, this is an enormous privilege to have, being alive and being able to choose a way.

Ok now more insights another time, I just thought the occasion asks for an entry.

Take care!
 And : If you are patient reading this, just on thing: If I made it up to here, YOU  CAN BEAT THAT THING TOO!! I am not a miracle-man. Just had a good doctor, and probably a lot of luck. Plus Maybe the right attitude helped too. So: You go ahead and CICK THAT CANCER'S BUTT!!

Testing it was.

Despite of my lengthy considerations at the last entry, I finally decided to have another MRI.

To cut this short to the relevant facts: it came out good!!! "No significant changes since the last examination"

Surprisingly, I did not walk the valley of shadows again (mentally speaking), I stayed relatively cool. Did I just get used to it? Or maybe it was the thought: If it had come back, I would notice from emerging defects: increasing forgetfulness, irritability. But talking about especially about those two potential "symptoms": These are soft markers and everybody with a good amount of hypochondric talent can create those in a minute. That's the general problem with brain-related problems: they are hard-if not impossible- to objectively grab. OK, you can make the usual tests, (Touch the tip of your nose with the right or left index finger) the patients among the readers will of course know them all. I do these from time to time.And I constantly watch out for any unexplained muscle twiching on the left, weakness of the left arm or leg, just anything unusual.
So, you will ask: why did you decide to do it? The answer may sound strange and a bit pathetic:

I wanted to make sure, that my girlfriend, who is still living on the Westcoast, if she would finally move to Germany, that I am in good enough shape that it is worthwhile for her moving in with me. At least from the best of my knowledge.  I know this sounds pretentious, but I swear to God, this was going on in my head. OK, maybe it was just the trigger I put forth for a conflict than needed to be resolved. But as things came out good I am happy I did it. I have to say, despite the fear before the procedure, it DOES feel SO GOOD afterwards, but to get a new setpoint for what it feels like to still be OK, and to have something to compare myself to (set my self -examination to zero). Its all good.

I am still a long-term-survivor: 6.5 years and counting!!!! Old age, here I come!!!

Testing or not testing?

Sorry for me being quiet lately. Just not much novelties to report. This is an entry about trying to decide on a question  only a long-term survivor can have the luxury to ponder. I had my last MRI a year ago. actually, more than a year ago. November 2009 to be exact. Now its February 2011. The big question in my mind is: am I neglecting my disease by not getting examined? The issues coming to mind: MRI imaging is not a treatment, it will give me a heads up, should something come back. But then. Something coming back. inevitably means: bad prognosis. Recurring Glioma is pretty much a death sentence. Well, technically, Glioma is a death sentence. And so far I beat it. Here my question: what would I do, if an MRI would show, it came back? Have another surgery? I was incredible lucky to have such a devoted and talented surgeon like Dr Liau at UCLA. My life is almost normal, I am doing science (actually: just writing a paper) again and everything looking as good as one could imagine. Another surgery almost certainly would mean serious defects from the removal of additional brain tissue. Would I do it? Thank God this is a hypothetical question. Many would say: you are cured, you beat it for good, you can relax now and move on with your life. But if there are others in my situation, you may know what I am talking about: Being diagnosed with malignant cancer once and for all destroys this primordial trust in ones body. I am still scared to consider myself "healed". As if there was some magical bad spell in letting the guards dow. I WANT to stay aware, that bad things may happen again anytime. Just hoping that this awareness may be a magic to keep IT away.
I keep on drinking my magic Amazon tea "Cha Una de Gato". But I will not do an MRI anymore. It doesn't help, since even a good result does not mean it will last. I will just have faith&trust that I will live  and not die from brain tumor anymore.

Maybe I should write a book about my time with incurable cancer. Diagnosis December 2004 Surgery February 2005, now february 2011, "rebirth-day" is only three days away (Feb 7th 2005) my "second birthday". Six years. And I was told: "a year, maybe a year and a half"
People out there, I am still here! Maybe I made it long enough to call myself "cured", but I am still afraid. And will be so forever. A price I am happy to pay for being still here. Life is too wonderful a gift, to not accept a price for it.

Short notice

OK I realize, in order to keep this a hopeful site, I need to provide a sign of life once in a while: Actually, I was busy watching the world cup, settling into Hamburg, getting my projects off the ground (The latter two being on the slow side). But health-wise I am still fine, apart from the usual attacks of hypochondria: I realize I am impatient and can get rather angry, which I think did not happen so much in the past. And of course the over-sensitized brain-cancer-survivor -brain (haha) transforms this into possible early signs of tumor recurrence. OK. I honestly DO NOT BELIEVE, this is actually the case. But, to tell you the truth, It has crossed my mind. I ride my bike to work every day, take my anti-seizure meds, drink my green  and my Una de Gato -teas, fight with concentration problems, live with my occasional forgetfulness. Overall not bad for a guy with a gulfball-size piece of brain tissue missing, no?
only so much :

I AM STILL HERE!!!

Defects to live with.

One typical comment I hear from fiends on my condition, is that every time I mention a specific defect, I have through the tumor and the following surgery,
I do get comments like :
 "Oh I have that all the time" "This happens to me too".

 While this is meant in a nice way to make me feel normal and healthy, over time it turns around and gets annoying, if I want it or not. It feels like my frustration is just imaginary and not real. However, if I mention a defect its because I realize it as something I am constantly struggling with, and WAS NOT in the past. One typical thing is: short-term memory problems, like putting stuff in a place and not remembering where, going back in the apartment to pick up something forgotten and forgetting what it was, while getting inside.

Guys, I know what you want to comment right now, believe me I know its meant well, but don't do it, please. if you are a brain tumor patient, however, you know exactly what I am talking about. Its small things and, Heaven knows I am SO grateful that this is all, for all that counts, I could be paralyzed, peeing in my bed every night. Instead , I am working as a scientist, write papers and successfully apply for grants.

All this that thanks to a very skilled neurosurgeon! Thank you, Linda! I cannot tell how much this means, your dedication and thoroughness and also your courage, to get that last, very deep lying piece of tumor you saw in the in-OP MRI!!!

A strange deficit that occurred last wednesday: we have a lab meeting at 8:30, which is "half nine" in German. Since I'm a late guy, I always have a hard time to get there that early, well, last wednesday I came late. However: Until I entered the institute I was certain, I would be perfectly on time. I only noticed that I could open the door without the key card (which works only after 9). I have no idea, how I managed to get the time so wrong! somehow half nine must have translated into 9:30 instead of 8:30. I know I did not have any seizure, because riding the bus I would have missed the stop. Plus I was among people somebody would have noticed for sure!

Well, doing science is the best rehab for all this. because  IT MUST NOT HAPPEN, if I want to perform my job halfway OK. So this is a very strong force that keeps me fighting against those frustrating little defects (and they are so little, that I almost feel ashamed complaining, since I know very well, what other people are going through... But every little unexpected defect brings back that FEAR... it may all start again!!!)
Again I thank God that these are all  my "Problems" at the moment. It could be very different, and I'd like to remind you of the statistics for Glioblastoma/Anaplastic Astrocytoma I posted in an old entry early in this blog. But I' m still here, and this is one big reason or writing this blog: THRE ARE SOME WHO GET OUT OF IT!! Do NOT give up hope early! You (or your loved one) may be one also! But for that believe in yourself and reject that THING from the deepest heart! There are no guarantees, but are there any guarantees in life at all? Be bold and cherish life! And stay alive!!