Long time no post, I apologize. Actually, there is some unlikely, incredible news in my life I would like to share:
I am becoming a father!!
Back then, when discussing how long to take the Temozolomide Chemotherapy with my doctor ("There is no definite answer"), she told me, several of her former patients told her they wanted to come off early since they were planning to have a child. At the time this seemed just completely otherworldly for me: Diseased, deathbound, as I felt:
even CONSIDERING having a child seemed completely unthinkable to me. At the same time, after the darkest days, thinking about what truly counts, I realized what I would really want in my life is to have a family, for me, who always valued independency, this change of attitude felt quite surprising. I observerd myself with this self-observing remoteness that I sometimes have and was genuinely surprised. Now, in our relationship, especially as she already knew me when I got sick, children were not as much a topic as they are in "normal" relationships.
We did talk about it, though. And we came to the conclusion to go ahad anyway. Although being very much aware of my condition (and the possibility of cancer recurrence), we stopped taking contraceptive measures, in a way expecting, it would not happen anyway because of her age. Basically we decided to leave it to destiny. Now she is pregnant!! I WILL BE A FATHER! Its a boy! Healthy as much as medicine can tell. Of course, since I likely inherited a predisposition to my disease he may have too. Old question: is it responsible to have children then?
My answer is also influenced by my life since my surgery and may sound a bit all-too enlightened (I am not, certainly!):
Every day of life is a gift and worth living! Despite the knowledge, I may still die from this thing one day. Every day, also the dull, unremarkable days, which are still many. BUT: we all have to die from something some day. And hey, I already got 10years!!!!
That grim Reaper is waiting for all of us somewhere in that corner up there..... Or as my Oncologist once said, the only difference is, that different from most I have some idea, what it will be. Nobody knows when. especially now, that I held on almost 10 years ( precisely, 07th of February 2015 will be my 10th anniversary since surgery.
I should say both, me and my girlfriend, are not the typical parenting age anymore (she 45 , myself 51)
I agree, it may be selfish, but can I really be blamed for trusting in my survival? Its part of being a survivor to keep living with all consequences, even if fathering as an unlikely cancer survivor of course raises some questions. Anyone, who comes across these lines out there, please let me know your thoughts!
Its a difficult thing. Also this is why I am very happy that, against all odds (age, prior chemotherapy) it happened all naturally, without medical help! (of course it still was medical help that made me live until today!)
Now all this comes at a time after there just was a lot of death and illness in my family. My mother died, last February (aged 92) from a series of strokes after a period of not being able to care for herself anymore, My sister in law died from cancer (aged 65) a year ago, so did her husband, my brother (aged 66), a year and a half ago. All seemed so dominated by dying and deteriorating, all life just being that mercyless long slippery slope towards the inevitable, illness, palliative care, death.
"- But there is also life-"
...the only thing we as insignificant little humans can throw out at this universe.
To say: "YES!"
I am becoming a father!!
Back then, when discussing how long to take the Temozolomide Chemotherapy with my doctor ("There is no definite answer"), she told me, several of her former patients told her they wanted to come off early since they were planning to have a child. At the time this seemed just completely otherworldly for me: Diseased, deathbound, as I felt:
even CONSIDERING having a child seemed completely unthinkable to me. At the same time, after the darkest days, thinking about what truly counts, I realized what I would really want in my life is to have a family, for me, who always valued independency, this change of attitude felt quite surprising. I observerd myself with this self-observing remoteness that I sometimes have and was genuinely surprised. Now, in our relationship, especially as she already knew me when I got sick, children were not as much a topic as they are in "normal" relationships.
We did talk about it, though. And we came to the conclusion to go ahad anyway. Although being very much aware of my condition (and the possibility of cancer recurrence), we stopped taking contraceptive measures, in a way expecting, it would not happen anyway because of her age. Basically we decided to leave it to destiny. Now she is pregnant!! I WILL BE A FATHER! Its a boy! Healthy as much as medicine can tell. Of course, since I likely inherited a predisposition to my disease he may have too. Old question: is it responsible to have children then?
My answer is also influenced by my life since my surgery and may sound a bit all-too enlightened (I am not, certainly!):
Every day of life is a gift and worth living! Despite the knowledge, I may still die from this thing one day. Every day, also the dull, unremarkable days, which are still many. BUT: we all have to die from something some day. And hey, I already got 10years!!!!
That grim Reaper is waiting for all of us somewhere in that corner up there..... Or as my Oncologist once said, the only difference is, that different from most I have some idea, what it will be. Nobody knows when. especially now, that I held on almost 10 years ( precisely, 07th of February 2015 will be my 10th anniversary since surgery.
I should say both, me and my girlfriend, are not the typical parenting age anymore (she 45 , myself 51)
I agree, it may be selfish, but can I really be blamed for trusting in my survival? Its part of being a survivor to keep living with all consequences, even if fathering as an unlikely cancer survivor of course raises some questions. Anyone, who comes across these lines out there, please let me know your thoughts!
Its a difficult thing. Also this is why I am very happy that, against all odds (age, prior chemotherapy) it happened all naturally, without medical help! (of course it still was medical help that made me live until today!)
Now all this comes at a time after there just was a lot of death and illness in my family. My mother died, last February (aged 92) from a series of strokes after a period of not being able to care for herself anymore, My sister in law died from cancer (aged 65) a year ago, so did her husband, my brother (aged 66), a year and a half ago. All seemed so dominated by dying and deteriorating, all life just being that mercyless long slippery slope towards the inevitable, illness, palliative care, death.
"- But there is also life-"
...the only thing we as insignificant little humans can throw out at this universe.
To say: "YES!"
I am so happy to hear this. Congratulations! And thanks for posting the good news. It seems to be typical that blogs by people with similar diagnoses either disappear because they die, or because things are going so well that the blog posting stops. That totally understandable - but still it makes a post from you even more important. A hopeful little spark amongst all the sad, scary statistics. It's true- we all have to die from something and time is a relative entity. A day- perhaps especially boring days (those without much pain) can be oh so valuable. Whether it takes a few months or many years, those of us who get to think and feel this are lucky.
ReplyDeleteSay yes. Go for it. Those seemingly all-enlightened moments should not be underrated ;-)
Congratulations on the anniversary, as well!
Ingrid
Ingrid, thank you for your inspiring comment! I am very aware of this dissappearing-survivor-blog phenomenon. its sad. More reason to keep going!! And thank you for your congratulations!
DeleteThomas :-)
Thomas,
ReplyDeleteI am truly inspired by your courage and zest for life. As I write this I sit with a very heavy heart. My soon-to-be son in-law had an MRI that indicates a brain tumor. He has an appointment to see the neurosurgeon this week. I have been searching the Internet high and low for success stories such as your's. It is important for me to be in the right mental place so that I can provide positive reinforcement for him and my daughter should the results indicate a negative prognosis. I am very glad to have found your blog and mentions of Ken Williams. I have read all of your blog postings and appreciate the thoughts and feelings you have put out there.
Happy Re-Birthday! Keep up the good work and more importantly... KEEPING KICKING THAT CANCER"S BUTT!!
May God Bless and Watch Over You,
Tom
10 years! Wow what a feat! Congratulations! That is the best news ever. You see, you writing that isn't just the best news for yourself, but it is the best news for every one that comes in contact with your blog. I have commented before. DH has an AA, and I cannot believe this....but we too are expecting our first baby! We didn't really expect to ever have children, getting through the day to day was enough, but we thought seriously about it and I am healthy and fit and want a child in my life, we both do, so we gave it a go. Here we are. I too, have moments thinking- am I the most selfish mother in the world? To have a child with my husband when we have no idea of our future? But no one knows whether they will live to 75 and I have to say, my DH will be a brilliant father. As you will be. You have been through the darkest of days and have a wealth of love to share. Life is for living and this is a true testimony to it. Congratulations again and thank you for inspiring us. I agree with previous comments, it is so nice to hear a positive update! Sending you love for your little bub. Bridge
ReplyDelete