Unreasonable thoughts on Career and Cancer

Hello, first of all, I am still alive and well (as far as I can tell...)

"Career" is possibly the most irrelevant thing  after a Glioma diagnosis:

Bottom line: Although I am currently submitting a (what I like to believe) potentially high-impact paper  to "Nature Genetics" (if that will go in is a totally different question) I am currently without a job.  (and so is my wife, scientists' lives are unstable) Luckily, here in Germany the social system is good and my heath insurance affordable. 

But now unemployment benefits are running out, so we are very seriously considering to move back to the US/California (despite of all concerns with insurance and so on...), where we both see better chances for a job in Biotech than in Germany (Industry in Germany does literally not even look at your CV when you are over 35.) (-experience-??, -hello-??) 

I had come back to my home country mostly for family reasons: my mom was old and had a stroke. (She has passed away in the meantime).  Now I unexpectedly  find myself considering such a big step as changing continent again(!)

Consequently (here comes the cancer-aspect), this brings up an ugly question: With my "preexisting condition" is that still "worthwhile"? Being all-too-familiar with the long-term outlook of Anaplastic Astrocytoma. Every Neuronocologist would tell me "Oh, you're crazy, just accept your luck, settle in, get a small job to support yourself, and enjoy the time you have." But I guess I AM crazy. I cannot let go that I do think that there is something I still have to do rather than retire. I also find myself thinking, have I not since the beginning tied my struggle against cancer  to a struggle to get back to my science?  Maybe its working what keeps me alive and as soon as I let go the guard, the "monster" will be back and finish its job in an instant?  I never expected these questions would ever arise (because I did not expect to live that long, honestly). But that is what happens now. 

Of course, thats just part of still being alive: problems everybody else faces too, except they don't have this CUT in their life, when "they" told you, ok, thats it, by all we know, you're done. And they do not write a blog about it.

One important consequence of this thinking and re-thinking is whole issue is of course: I will need a rational basis for any decision. So despite of everything I wrote before: I will need to have an MRI again. after not going for a while, I am NOT looking forward to that. 

 I apologize for (in this post) moving away from trying to be helpful for cancer patients, as this clearly is just showing that despite of all, my life goes on, well, maybe this is at least inspiring.  So at this point I cannot tell where the next step of my twisted journey will take me. 

And maybe the MRI will just put an end to all these plans and deliberations. But somehow I do not think so. with this outlook I say to everybody reading this, the "fight against cancer" goes on.  With what I do (as a scientist) and also within my own head. Different from the first aspect (science), the second is mostly sitting and hoping , so not much of a "real" fight.... 

With this "split perspective", let me conclude the post. Everybody reading this, keep it up. I hope to be be back after I had my MRI! (scary) Hopefully with at least the outcome, that I can keep going for a while longer. 

 

Take care, Thomas :-)